Essentials: Be With That

Be With That: A profoundly easy way to feel better, less overwhelmed and more emotionally regulated.

How Do I....?

Common Being With That Questions


Hi Raleen,

The best way we've found to teach a teenager how to Be With That is to find out what their interest already are in, and use that as the angle to explain it to them. For example, right now we have a coaching client who wants to become a biochemist, so we explain to him how being with it works by explaining the science. (Note: We explain said science in our Be With That course.)

In general, we've found that once someone with Asperger's understands the logical reasons behind Being With That, they "get it" fairly easily. The catch lies in what your intent is when you explain it to them. If you are trying to teach them how to sit with their feelings because you are anxious about them, they will feel that, and then get even more shutdown.

However, if you are assisting them out of love & trust, they will feel that too and be more open to engaging in the practice. If you'd like more on specific ways to talk to someone with Asperger's, get our Foundations of Communication course here.

You may also be interested in the books "In An Unspoken Voice" by Peter Levine and "The Polyvagal Theory" by Stephen Porges, which go into complete detail on the science behind Being With It.


Hi Joselyn,

Defense Mode IS the answer, and it is what I would suggest focusing on. However, Defense Mode is a wide umbrella that includes many different facets, so specifically here's what I would do:

First, I would make sure he feels completely safe, heard & validated at home. That means co-creating expectations, practicing Deep Listening, and creating a solid communication foundation through shared understandings.

Next, I would make sure that you are taking care of yourself. That means good self care, and really focusing on aligning your Influence Circles and practicing Blue Line motivation & parenting techniques.

Then I would make sure you are following the steps outlined in our Deep Into Defense Mode course with yourself. The more that he feels safe and nurtured at home, the more easily he will get out of Defense Mode and avoid everything less. You are more than welcome to join us for one of our DIDM Live events as well.

Finally, I would see if he is open to going to a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, who focuses on helping people connect to their emotions and sensations, as opposed to avoiding them. We have a complete list of all the therapies, techniques & tactics that we use and recommend in our "Here's What Works" guide.

Post your questions and comments below and we'll do our best to answer as many as we can.