The 3 Keys To Dating

Many people with Asperger’s crave acceptance and love through a romantic relationship, but few know how to actually go about finding and maintaining one. For years, I fit into this category. Growing up, I saw my classmates flirting and discovering young love, and I desperately wanted to experience that. But every time I decided to try and achieve happiness with another person, my determination would be replaced by paralyzing terror. I would freeze up and retreat, my entire body shaking violently as I sought refuge from my embarrassment.

These failed attempts continued until I hit age 19, when I charged recklessly into my first relationship. At first, it was bliss, filling me with a confidence I’d never felt before. The best part of it? She came to me and wanted to date. However, about a month into it, my hopes of maintaining a happy and stable relationship were dashed by a series of quarrels and arguments that ultimately severed the bond I had with this girl. I was devastated. I didn’t come out of my room for days. It seemed like I had landed right back to where I was before, in a state of unbearable loneliness and frustration that would forever consume me.

To help your child approach dating cautiously and appropriately, I’ve compiled a list of three keys to dating. These tips have helped me succeed not only in romantic relationships, but also in friendships with the opposite sex.

Love Yourself First

This is so vital. Before you can learn to love another person, you must get to a point where you love yourself. If you refuse to accept who you are, others will too. So, before even considering becoming involved with another person, it’s important that you reach a place of self acceptance. People seek positive energy and confidence when looking for a significant other, and both of those are absent when you despise yourself.

Examine everything that makes you who you are, and write down the top ten things you love the most about yourself. Then, every morning, repeat them OUT LOUD to yourself, even if you don’t believe them. If you aren’t comfortable with your physical appearance, just look in the mirror, lock eyes with your reflection, and say, “I am good looking.” Saying it out loud sends a positive message to your brain, a message that will eventually become a belief.

And think of it this way: Attraction is entirely subjective, so even if you do think you could be better looking, chances are good that there’ll be someone out there who will fall head over heels for you and think you’re the best looking thing on the planet.

I used to think I was some hideous ogre of a man, and would constantly tell myself how repulsive I was. Then, after years of sticking to this belief, I discovered that I was wasting my time. If my opinion of myself depends on how others think of me, then something is wrong.

Start with Friendship

Most healthy relationships begin as strong friendships founded on mutual interests, congruent moral values, and a mutual physical attraction. When fortune works in your favor and the most perfect person finds their way into your life, reach out as a friend and expect nothing more.

If something does come out of it and there is a spark, that’s great. If the boy/girl of your dreams is only interested in keeping the friendship platonic, you have to be okay with that. You have to be. Making moves where they aren’t wanted is almost guaranteed to ruin that relationship. So, unless your goal is making things permanently awkward between the two of you, I strongly suggest that you take baby steps, enjoy the person’s company, and have no expectations.

Take Interest in Them

Ok, so you’ve found the person of your dreams, the feelings are reciprocated, and you two have a date on Saturday. What do you do? Well, first, I’m going to stress what NOT to do in this situation. First of all, DO NOT ask for sex. That is the absolute worst thing you could do on a first date. I know you’re not interested in scaring this person off, so please, please, PLEASE don’t do it. That comes down the road, when the relationship is more serious and there is a stronger bond. Also, don’t make any creepy passes at your date. I don’t care if you want to play footsie with them or you think their hand might be soft. DON’T DO IT! It’s the only thing you could do on a first date that rivals asking for sex in severity.

Now we come to things you WANT to do on a first date. First and foremost, talk about their interests and take an interest in them. This proves to be difficult for those of us with Asperger’s, because we would like nothing more than to discuss the artistic merit of video games than ask someone how their day went. Our niches often impede our social progress, much to our dismay. But most of the time, that’s all we know how to talk about. In order to make a romantic relationship work, you MUST take an interest in the other person and what they like. The sun doesn’t rise and set when you do, and acting like it will just get you in deeper trouble.

Also, be interesting. You don’t want to sit there with your mouth hanging open and looking either hopelessly confused or incredibly bored. If the other person asks you what you like, respond appropriately, but monitor it. If you find yourself in the spotlight too long, redirect the conversation back to you. For example, if you’ve been talking about video games for twenty-five minutes, turn it back to your date and say, ” So, what do you do in your free time?” or “What are your hobbies?” It may not seem like much, but it actually goes a long way. Not only does the other person feel important, but they also warm up to you quickly and want to talk with you even more.

59 thoughts on “The 3 Keys To Dating

  1. I have been diagnosed with Asp since the age of 7, I am now 18 who smokes a lot of weed… I feel like this will effect my relation with “any” girl in a long-term sense, my relations with woman has been quite odd, but nothing extraordinary, I feel I am “half-attractive” as I get approached often by females, sometimes the odd male^^:p I just want to know, if it get’s easier???… The beauty I have stepped upon, and even right now, I can have you, but it’s maintaining you, what do i need to say to her? She loves everything about me, she’s praised me for being unique, vivid/chavvy 😂 not in that sense, just a slice of multiple genres, she tells me i’m amazing, but I don’t feel it, she is the starlight of a new beginning, a chapter that may or never will be complete. Another thing about me, I am extremely open, I care for so much for people I have never accustomed myself with, words of advise, If you have Asp and have never done narcotics, prepare for a fucking long psychosis….I’ve had to cut down as I went through an epidemic, the amphetamine was the problem, It was offered to me and was uncut, it’s purest form, it left me ill for months and I couldn’t get the bigger picture anymore, it’s damaged me in someway, for definite, a permanent fixture…which is ashame, everybody was doing it, so I did too, I weren’t the only one who became severely ill, though it got the best of me, before I was more clear, depressed still? but a much clearer vision. Obviously this “condition” does not mix well with narcotics….which sucks….the funny thing is, I am completely aware of what I do, it’s an oddball. fucking hell 😋

    The chemical imbalance is intact, for sure, I just want to know if it’s all real…

  2. I’m 26 years old. And I have never dated and It frustrates the hell out of me because I wish I have luck in getting with women. Also a lot of the women that I want end up not paying attention to me and they end up going for guys who aren’t about anything. Plus I wish somebody could help me figure out how to approach women and how to get them to go on dates with me.

  3. I am a 23 year old man with AS. I’ve never had an official girlfriend. I’ve had numerous infatuations with girls that never went anywhere. One of my last encounters ended up in disaster and the fallout was even worse. I was led on by a girl who was trying to get over a recent breakup, buttering me up and toying with my emotions. She broke off the fling with me the same week my grandfather passed away. Then about a month later, she ends up with a guy she met on Tinder and flooded everyone’s FB feed on how great their relationship is and how much of a “beautiful person” he is. My best friend met her for the first time and needless to say, their first encounter was awkward. As the months carried on, I got passive-aggressive FB messages telling me that apparently I have told my friends to be nasty to her and I am the cause of her unhappiness. The most awkward thing was that this girl was a co-worker of mine. The months before I left that job, I just kept civil to her and remained distant because you wouldn’t know what ridiculous thing she’d call you out on next.
    The boyfriend received a biased account of the story from her and verbally attacked me on FB. I had never had a conversation with this guy but he certainly left a great first impression.

    As a guy with AS, I would advise that while it’s a euphoric feeling spending time with someone, don’t let the other person walk all over you.

    I’ve been on dates with three or four girls and those connections never seemed to last long. I remain in touch with one of those girls. The others just turned their nose up at me.
    However, I’m at a new stage in my life now, having received a BA Honours Degree in college and now working in a permanent, pensionable job.

    The key is confidence, I’ve found. There are ups and downs in life, but you just need to embrace the ups. Also, don’t come off too strong. Play it cool. I’ve learnt that one false step is like taking the wrong brick out of a Jenga tower. It’ll all fall apart.

    These are words I keep having to repeat to myself. Other than that, people find my quirks charming so I get on well with most people.

  4. I’m a 48 year old male with Asperers. I manage to hold down an IT job and I own a house, but that is the extent of my success in life. I wasn’t able to get real work after I graduated college in 1991 until 2003. Everything else was data entry, warehouse work, or flipping burgers.

    I’m divorcing now, after 11 years of marriage. My ex cheated with 4 different people, then moved out of state to live with the 4th affair. It was rather unlikely bunch of circumstances where I met her, and something not able to be replicated. She was in a somewhat precarious situation. She had apparently been planning on leaving for 6 years, but her plans were altered by having to finish college and her ex-husband starting another prolonged custody battle with her.

    Since the separation, I’ve been on a few dates via Match.com but they tend to end the same way after a 1st date: something on the order of “I don’t think we’d be a good fit”.

    That’s actually a good way to put it. I doubt I’m a “good fit” with anyone, based on experience. I don’t have infinite amounts of time and money to try and date on the hopes that I’ll go past a first date, and even then, less hope a relationship would last if one arose.

    One thing I am good at is strategy and allocating resources. I recognize when a situation is futile. I easily win at most computer games, which is why as a reminder I occasionally set up hopeless situations in them . (e.g. a Star Trek game where I created a scenario of the Enterprise against 50 Klingon battlecruisers… it lasted about 30 seconds and my ship was destroyed in a hail of torpedoes)

    I now consider dating futile, and in light of that have to consider “opportunity costs”. (The money spent on a dating website, plus the costs of first dates are funds that could have been spent on other things that would actually have brought me benefits of some kind — a new BluRay, a new computer game, etc)

    I did discover something earlier this year that is relevant to at least male Aspies: MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way). It deals with the concept that relationships with women in the 21st century are toxic, that marriage is a horrible deal for men considering the divorce rates and how men are treated in divorce courts.

    I think most fellow Aspie men should consider going MGTOW. I think MGTOW is mainly the product of neurotypical men, but much of it still applies to Aspie men. Especially considering the divorce rate is going to be much higher for men with Aspergers.

    I’ve given up on women and dating. I start now “the long twilight” as I call it, the journey from age 48 to retirement and then eventually death from old age. It is a journey I will take alone. I’m settling for stability and tranquility in lieu of drama. I’ve managed to shift at work from a contractor to Federal civilian and I’m going to try and retire after 20 yrs at age 68.

    Marcus Aurelius “Meditations” is of some comfort. He writes of essentially pursuing tranquility instead of happiness and virtue instead of pleasure.

    What this means to me as an Aspie is living as a shut-in at my house. A life of tranquility (lack of drama) and virtue (celibacy) instead of pursuing happiness and pleasure (involving a romantic relationship with women).

  5. Hello,
    I’m a 30 year old male. I was diagnosed as having AS at age 19. It was my freshman year at college and I was so fearful of meeting new people that it resulted in me dropping out of college and finding a job in manufacturing, where I still work today.
    I can still remember, vividly, being teased and laughed at as a child, because I would always sit by myself and avoiding speaking. I was held back a grade in kindergarden and was placed in a grade called “readiness”. This was for the kids who were slow to learn or had issues becoming socially competent. I remember my third grade teacher having to speak to my parents, because she was worried about me. I wouldn’t look at her or speak to her. Every first day of school, starting a new grade year, I would cry, because I knew I was going to have to meet new people and didn’t want to. Some teachers would take me out of the classroom until I calmed down and others didn’t know what to do. This continued up until the 8th grade, when I was able to overcome my crying spells.
    In high school, many times I would eat alone and occasionally I would sit with a group, but rarely spoke much. Each year in HS became easier, as many faces remained familiar, but public speaking in class was always difficult to do and I would rehearse all the negative possible outcomes in my head more and more as a deadline for a presentation came nearer. I was a mostly A student in my academics, but struggled in any course requiring more than minimal speaking (i.e.; drama class).
    I believe college was a large slip backwards for me, because I had a lot of change to my routine and more responsibilities were being placed upon me. I remember avoiding filling out applications for colleges, because I didn’t want to think about having to change what I had been getting used to. Dropping out was a huge blow to my self-esteem and still is to this day, I believe. A large part of my self-worth was on my intellect and not finishing college made me feel like a failure.
    To this day I have never had a relationship with a woman, not even a first date. I could muddle my way through conversations that were simply social, but the dynamics of sexual conversation and flirting, I have never been able to grasp well enough to seem comfortable doing it. I have been in denial, I believe, for the past 11 years of the fact that actually have AS, because I don’t want to be socially weird. The fact that there is a syndrome that supports my symptoms makes me angry. I don’t want to be grouped into this category. I very much dislike being me. I don’t know what to do about it.

  6. Wow. Very interesting responses. I’m a 32 year old woman with AS. I’m extremely creative: I paint, fire glass, play guitar, sing, I’m also a makeup artist, and I’ve done a handful of modeling. I was extremely quiet and shy growing up. Like many other Aspies, at a young age I started socially training myself how to engage with others by mimicking social interactions, show interest and empathy, and so forth. I’ve never had issues attracting men. I have a number of them that I engage with daily and even though I’m honest about the fact I don’t want to date them, I know they have other hopes. I haven’t been steady with anyone in over 3 years. I’ve barely gone on a date for that matter. I just haven’t felt that spark, and I know if I go on dates with someone I don’t feel that spark with, it can lead to futile consequences. I don’t want to hurt or feel obligated to anyone that I don’t feel that intense chemistry with. Plus, I know I’m different. The few men that I did pursue more than friendship with, would never last. We’d fall madly in love, but within 6 months they wouldn’t be able to handle my honesty anymore. I didn’t understand how that was such a problem. I’d just tell them something they did was causing me concerns in hopes to fix the situation, but they always took it as an attack on their ego I suppose? I’m not sure. I’m very mindful of how I address situations because I don’t want to come off offensive. I’m never trying to hurt them. Anyway, over the last year I’ve had an on/off friendship with a man whom I’ve been very physically attracted to, not to mention he’s much of a big kid in the exact way that I am. Yes, we are both childish in a sense (it’s something men always liked about me as they loved the idea of coddling me in a blanket and petting my head when I was upset). He’s an artist and phenomenal musician and lead singer of a popular band here in Cali. His routine on stage is exactly that: a routine. It’s something he’s mastered and depicts nothing of who he really is. When things have started to intensify between us, he’d get scared and back off. He’s just not realizing that I know he’s an Aspie as well. He’s been afraid to show me his childish side because he’s assumed I’m wanting a “superman”. He’s made these assumptions off my looks, and not because of who I really am, but he’s now discovering I’m just like him in many ways, and is dumping this girl he’s been dating a few months. She caught him talking to me via text and demanded he stopped. She actually contacted me a few weeks ago to my surprise, insisting we can’t be friends. I never knew he had a girlfriend. We talk a lot but whenever it came down to seeing each other, he started cancelling. I knew he was afraid. I’ve never wanted to admit to him I knew of his AS, or at least suspected, so I just started becoming open about it myself. We didn’t talk for a few weeks because of the gf, in fact he had to block me on social media, but then a few nights ago he contacted me out of the blue apologizing and admitting he’s realized and has had this deep inquisition that I’m like him. We talked about it and started relating about it and now he’s finally willing to spend alone time with me, and stop fantasizing and actually try to live out a real friendship. He knows he must lose the girlfriend first. I know this is hard for him. I sense she’s controlling and treats him like a child. Especially since they’ve only dated for 6 weeks and she’s already keeping a leash on him. Then our mutual friends told me he actually brought her to a show a month ago and he was talking about me while she was off socializing, and our friends said he was childishly hoping they’d tell me about her and sensed he wanted me jealous. They said he was snooping to see if I talked about him or ever disclosed my feelings. Needless to say this last year has been complicated and twisted. We initially met after he saw my profile on social media and he asked our friend to introduce us. He did was immediately smitten, I was too, but then he backed out on our official first date due to fear of disappointing me, and it’s been a weird entanglement ever since, but we’ve been unable to fully ever let each other go. I admit too, there have been times I’ve been scared to show him who I really am, and would keep my grownup face on instead of being my silly sweet self, but I’ve been learning to turn my liabilities into assets, and have been more comfortable being myself since I’m finding people still adore me, they just haven’t figured out exactly what it is that makes me so different. I really do hope we get to finally be real friends and be ourselves around each other. I’ve given up on the idea of a relationship, marriage, and family. I know I need someone who’s sensitive and extremely understanding, and goofy like I am, and it’s just too hard to find. I’m 32 and I’ve been in 4 relationships, only one lasted longer than 6 months. It actually lasted 4 years as I was with a man who was extremely controlling and kept me under his thumb. I was young then. We were 18 when we met and split when I was 22. Ever since then, I’ve avoided allowing anything like that to ever develop again. Needless to say, I’ve just accepted that children and family are not in my future. It’s been years since anything serious has even manifested for me. Ppl don’t understand. Men don’t get it as they become very smitten just by appearance, and so they are always trying to figure out why I’m still single. Lol. Only the ones that turn into genuine friends ever find out the truth. I have only three friends that know. And now my friend who I hope leaves his gf soon, knows too. If I had any advice for anyone, I would look at the very characteristics you think are a handicap, and start viewing how they are an asset. There are many women who like sweet men, value integrity in the bedroom and don’t want a guy that’s try to plant his seed everywhere, who love to laugh and think shyness is adorable. Your “defects” really are not “defects” after all. It’s all a matter of your own perception. I like being different. No one prizes a person who is just like everyone else. Ppl feel honored to have someone in their lives that no one else could have. So try to feel confident with the things that make you different. Be honest about them with others. I always tell ppl how they have to spell things out for me since my brain is very logical, but that you won’t catch me overreacting or being dramatic when being informed of something some may find shaming. Not me. I just process the information and go on with my day.

  7. I’m a 54 year old aspie and my problem is keeping a relationship going. I’ve never really had a problem getting dates. Thankfully women find me attractive and approach me first. I say thankfully because the thought of approaching them fills me with complete terror. Unfortunately I am usually so grateful for their interest that I rush into serious territory before I should. As a result I’ve been married six times, have three kids by three different women and have generally made a mess of the lives of everyone involved. It’s only recently that I’ve come to the realization that I have ASD, and while the knowledge can’t change the past, I’m hoping it can change the future. Self-awareness is a powerful thing. Since my last failed attempt at lasting love, I’ve made an inventory of all the mistakes I have made and areas I have fallen short and tried to discover what the triggers were that caused them. It’s a painful process but change is inherently painful. What I’ve discovered is that I rush into relationships with people I shouldn’t for fear of being alone and alienate the ones I should be with because they don’t understand or realize how different I am. The first problem I can fix on my own by simply forcing myself to slow down and allow the relation to develop at a more sane pace i.e. not getting married after a couple of month(one was after a week!). The second is where my question lies. When is the right time to disclose a diagnosis of ASD to a potential partner and how do you disclose it? I’m guessing blurting it out on the first date is wrong but beyond that I haven’t a clue. Please help!

  8. I also have aspergers.In High School;junior and senior I always felt as though I had a series of issues common to people with it.The hardest thing for me is that I can’t read body language.I’m a very emotional,sensitive and kind person,but it’s so frustrating that it’s difficult to show or express my feelings.I can stay on a particular idea or subject matter for days.When I was 39 I decided to leave women alone,however,it became necessary for me to be a father to the exclusion of all else;yes,even love.Then it happened on my job.She approached me one day when I was taking a patient back to her room.She said,”you probably meet all types being an orderly”and I replied,”you’re smart,how do you know that”.She laughed,then asked me why I carry around 3 different flashlights in my pocket,and I said they’re good to have it hurricanes.The kind nurse then said,so “you’re a Mr gadget”.All I was thinking was this is what’s been on my mind for years.All I focused on was my Idea.Never mind the fact that she had 3 kids already.I married her and I became a father to a beautiful baby girl.I was a good father,but I didn’t love my wife at all.My wife died of cancer,and I felt horrible for using her to give me a child.Other than her there hasn’t ever been any other.She once told me a year into our marriage that she had me pegged within the first 10 minutes of our first meeting, to be either ADD or a spectrum child.I really feel like a big chicken shit of a man.I have a high IQ,considered rather goodlooking,but a total failure.I’d shit myself if I approached a woman on my own,and it’s mainly because it’s as if I’m looking at a dressed up manikin (wrong spelling.

  9. Hello I have a guy friend who has a.s he’s 40 and I’m 33 I wanted to know if me telling him how I feel is making him uncomfortable we’ve been best friends for 5 years I love him but he doesn’t know if he wants to date me I really really would like too I get frustrated sometimes cause how he dodges my questions of us dating he was hurt by a girl he dated in the past and I feel that’s holding him back that I’ll hurt him I admit I get mad cause he doesn’t express how he feels or respond to my words and actions of love I have to work on my patience with him I know can anyone give me any tips to let him know that he’s an awesome guy and smart and handsome I just want him to know and feel my love and admiration for him

  10. Wow, reading all these accounts of the AS life confirms so many things for me.
    I’m 50. never heard about AS till a few years ago but I think I def. have had it all my life. It is kind of different from just being shy.

    Through highschool and most of college I too had the most difficult time making friends and dating. At that time I then made a conscious decision to break out of it, get my confidence up and be extroverted. It kind of worked – kind of. I joined a prestigous fraternity. I went to the bar, a few house parties, ski trips etc. Sometimes I would hookup a bit casually but only lost my virginity in my senior year and no GF the whole time in school. And the fraternity eventually asked me to leave due to my inability to bond with the bros.

    After college at my first prof. career type job I finally got my first real GF. She was one of the hottest girls in the office everbody wanted her. Somehow I able to do it. My AS tendencies decreased even. But eventually after a year I broke it off. She wasnt cerebral enough for me. Little did I realize that would be the high water mark of my love life right there.

    After that, me at age 26, I dated a bit more and even had sex with 2 more girls and there a few girls from my family network that considered me to maybe being a good husband perhaps and I did hang out with them some platonically.

    It was at time that a realization was started to sink in me. I didnt like the kind of girls that i was able to attract and I didnt like the kind of conversation that i was able to get going with them. Too often it was like goody two shoe type of talk like talking about career goals. Worse yet, I’d even see the same girl talking to some other guy and be laughing with them flirtatiously – they sure werent talking about career goals. It really stabbed me to see that but i still didnt give up.
    I managed to get a date with a girl that i really like who was def. not the goody two shoe type, easy on the eye and extroverted. I thought things were going good and that I was being congenial when out of the blue she blurted out on the spot how shy she thought i was. Wow, talk about a conversation stopper.

    It became crystal clear that my perceptions of how social i am was light years from the reality. Nothing is worse than self delusion so I had to come to terms that i was socially awkward – hopelessly so. And part of that coming to terms was not trying so hard to be extroverted anymore because too often, it just wasnt working out.

    …………… And so here I am 20 years later. Romantically frozen 100%. I took on the ole fatalistic stance – if it happens it happens, not gonna force anything. Well nothing has happened thats for sure. I should move to the wilderness alone maybe make a reality TV show about my plight.

    The funny thing is just lately I often come across the local girls working at the markets and stores and feel a powerful attraction to just a few of them – wow, is it powerful. its like i can feel another force taking hold of me and compelling me to try to connect with them – platonic or otherwise, doesnt matter, I just wanna connect but I cant because i have AS and all thats going to happen is something awkward.

    I wanna reinvent myself but I am shackled by AS – all i can do is talk about serious intellectual stuff. Girls dont find that sexy.

  11. My 35 yr old son is a high functioning Aspie, he holds down a fulltime job, and occasionally dates. He just broke off a new relationship that had a lot of promise, because he didn’t feel “the spark”, no fireworks, the high of being in a new relationship. This isn’t the first time he has done this. It usually happens when the girl starts to become more interested in being a girlfriend than just a date. My advice was forget the spark for now, maybe it will develop, maybe he should just focus on enjoying spending time with someone who accepts him. Am I wrong, should he hold out for the big spark? I really just want him to be happy, but does the spark always exist for Aspies? Is there a happy medium?

    1. Does your son never feel the “spark” or “high” with any girl, or just with the ones he gets in relationships with? In my case this kind of intense attraction does happen, but always with girls who later will turn out to have never been interested in me more than as a friend. It’s to the point where whenever I feel that “high” I start preparing myself mentally for the letdown. And of course, these are exactly those girls with whom it’s hardest if not impossible to be in a platonic friendship.

      But given the fact that I feel the “spark” sometimes, I know that even if there was a girl who liked ME but I did NOT feel it with her, I would be tempted to leave the relationship whenever I would meet another girl with whom I DID feel the spark. If I never felt it with anyone, this wouldn’t be an issue.

  12. My son is 14 and he is confused on the whole situation. He has always liked girls but last week a boy approach ed him and played attention to him and now he is confused. How do I help him through this sensitive process? He just found out about Santa, Easter Bunny, and Tooth Fairy. He didn’t take it well but understood. So his innocence is fragile and he is in a situation that will form his life how do I help?

  13. I never had a relationship, ever since middle school and threw out high school, and the fact is i never went to college to have relationship or anywhere. And i’m just a guy who makes videos on YouTube and still doing my thing. But i’m doing both things at the same time, and in my home state none of girls seemed to chase me, because i have red post about why this happen, and its all full of shit. And i try to ask them out and doing all the good things that i have done and they don’t seem to love me back. And i try to get these 5 girls that i tried and they said no, it because that the sites are saying to them its true, and its bullshit that these sites that of Asperger sites are a stemming pile of ghost shit! And it can kiss my fucking asshole! And why these girls don’t think that i’m not good enough its bullshit! And look i’am a nice guy here and there a reason why these girls why or what the hell there trying to say to me and for the people who have Asperger’s! And i’m feeling down and depress and i’m feeling about me and all of these people who have Asperger. And i’m going to DBT Therapy to because i’m learning how to control my emotions like a controlling a superpower and teaching me how to get my future ahead. And i’m going to be very busy with a lot a stuff like Kung Fu Training At The Gym Other Therapy which a Asperger Social Skills thing, and doing my Acting club Photo Club And Film Club. But right now i’m going to busy doing my thing no matter what. Anyway i hope anybody who can help me with this problem please let me know. Anyway This is John Xavier Cassese saying keep up the great work Hayden And Danny! I hope this message will help trying to figure out the hell is happen to me.

    1. don’t worry bro, i think your situation will come around the bend. hear me out, you might actually never even read this but you probably will. so here is what i mean: i am a lot like you, probably a few years older. intensely passionate about certain things. obsessed with making youtubes. wondered why i hadn’t had success with the ladies. ever.

      here’s the thing. most people that come across a personality like ours give us shit, in some form. backtracking for a sec… i have never been diagnosed with aspergers or autism but lately i have been doing research and people, including distinguished and qualified people with years of experience working with the spectrum, have been telling me that I am an aspie…i can see the writing has been on the wall (no not literally!). everyone is different, first off, but at the time i was at my most aspie was back in middle school and high school. no real friends, very happy to be all by myself, creating and producing shit that interested me. the only attention i was getting was online and it was actually pretty niche (a.k.a small, targeted audience) and pretty hurtful and disparaging. but boy i loved expressing myself through this medium. i don’t think there’s any problem with intense passions. with age, my interests have changed and honestly if you do find yourself with an intense professional or technical passion and pursue that, it becomes much more of a challenge to stay as committed to the passions of your childhood, if i may put it like that. but it may actually be positive for this to happen, especially for aspies. going to college is when things started to turn around, so to speak. i made some decisions that definitely enhanced my social growth. i hesitate to give specific advice in this department because if i was you, i’d probably call it bullshit. those were my antisocial/loner inclinations. but i took some chances, in as though i started to talk to people in my classes beyond just a see you in school situation. i was living away from the childhood home, on my own for the first time. early on, i made a remark to two classmates, real jock, seemingly bro dudes, on my way to the elevator to my dorm room. i said where’s the party at? they said, the 14th floor! it was a friday evening I think and I remember taking the elevator up and awkwardly knocking on the door. they let me in and that actually began a bizarre friendship. now in that situation i am grateful. i was this incredibly awkward loner youtube kid in a room with some bro dudes. something i realized that i am into, is just sort of observing new situations and participating (though mainly observing). now, merely ‘hanging out’ beyond just one or two other people (fellow nerds, most likely) was something i totally never did before college. but here i was, watching these kids engage in behaviors totally new to me. i got to witness socializing, but more than that, i think these kids were intrigued by curiosity. a good friend of mine who was one of the kids that told me about their 14th floor party, later would tell me that yeah he knew i never really experienced anything like it before. and i am grateful that these kids never forced me into doing anything i did not want to do and sort of quickly accepted and embraced my quirky self. i was most definitely an outrageous and bizarre social companion. so what about women? i was still super shy and awkward and clueless. and that is still something i am working on. for me, taking an almost academic and or experimental approach to social life interactions has its positives and negatives. there is a real aspect of risk that you must sort of mentally cope with and embrace. i can’t emphasize this enough. years of being happy doing your own thing makes it that much harder to go beyond comfort zones, socially. i think the realest advice on here is that which stresses loving yourself. but go even further – observe what is going on and try to empathize with people and their situations. try being a part of something of interest, some kind of community, even if it seems unorthodox or bizarre. back in the day, i had tons of internet ‘friends’ – pre social media – but i got a sense that among these kids (some adults too i’m sure) existed much in the realm of awkwardness, depression, and anti-social behavior. the blind were leading the blind. i felt i had no hope for a girlfriend but did i even want one? another thing… proceed with caution if you ever find yourself getting casually minded. i think many of us are satisfied with our routines and that can haunt us, especially if we are looking at short term versus long term relationships. short term is more indicative of something coming and going, a burst of pleasure. us aspies tend to be rather complex so there is a lot more at stake over the long term, at least from our always-thinking perspective. As Lynne says in the case of her son, it is going from date to relationship. making that leap. Is being open and honest from the start the same as coming on too strongly? What are the implications? see I am trying to help you out and give advice, but I find myself asking questions too. This is healthy and fine, I’d say. the main thing i’d say is embrace new social experiences, get a feel for those, have expectations, have no expectations. you’ll be exposed to more women and you will better be able to see how they react to how you act. but don’t change your shit, don’t modify your interests just for the sake of trying to appeal to women. keep doing weird shit that interests you and with more experiences, you just might be able to use that to your advantage. but also be mindful that you might have to tone some shit down depending on the situation. again, you control your experiences so anything i say that has ‘worked’ for me, might not work for you and so on and so forth. that’s why a lot of these sites that are trying to help are vague and we aspies tend to want specifics. the dating/relationship process might seem mechanical to us until we experience more diversity and confusion. it could just be a matter of time, but also in this day and age with online dating and other online shit more prevalent and accepted, women might be more open to meeting interesting aspies than say a friend-of-friend meet where i make the mistake of revealing an obscure interest or saying something unintentionally off-putting fairly quickly. but that same shit might unexpectedly work for you where it will not work for me. please don’t passively let time pass by and say why me!! i did a lot of that shit and trust me i say it as a reminder because it still is a struggle. i know what an ideal situation looks like and i know i am not there yet so it is comforting to be able to merely identify this. the problem is becoming too comfortable and not wanting to seek out new situations and experiences. small strides, my friend. i have faith in you. i have faith in me.

      mahalo

  14. Hello,

    I’m 33 and was diagnosed with Aspergers when I was 31, so I was somewhat of a late bloomer to the disorder, but have had the symptoms my whole life. Growing up,I had few if any real friends, never had a girlfriend when I was younger because I wasn’t interested, and would never had found a suitable partner.
    Now, in my 30s, I have never had a real job or financial independence from my parents, even though I can look after myself otherwise. As a consequence I’m worried as to what will happen when my parents are gone, though I have two sisters, but I don’t know I if I could rely on them. This disorder can and does take a toll on your life.

  15. So I’ve been with this guy with aspergers and we’ve been on/off for a little over a year now.. We just recently broken up due to him wanting to be “alone”, he said he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore and he said that he loves me and all.. And believe me, I really love him too. I really think all of this has to do with me not being able to understand his disorder. We are both 18 and we really want to be with each other, he said he just doesn’t want a relationship.. Anyone know what I could do to make things right? I really care about him and don’t want to lose him, but I can’t confront him about it because I’m afraid of scaring him off

  16. I’m 29 with AS and I think dating is a colossal waste of time. I’ve been wanting a girlfriend and have been trying for the past 13 years, but it’s been one crushing defeat after another. I’ve moved to a new city 3 times now in order to find new opportunities. I have dated but not in 2 years. I am very afraid of what will happen when my aging parents are gone; I have no other family and am terrified of being alone. I have been doing online dating since 2008 but have had zero success. I was told 10 years ago by a woman that rejected me that I’d find someone, 10 years later and thousands of dollars spent on online dating and traveling to other countries to spend time with women, I think I’m done with it.

    1. Hi Mike

      Just read your story and thought I’d like to chime in to say “life can be beautiful and you are too young to give up”.

      Good things may happen when you meet someone who’s prepared to like you just the way you are – through learning about you. But then again, you will also have to try your very best to see this world through her eyes.

      I met a guy online two months ago and, since we’d done a large amoutn of emailing before meeting in person, for us it was almost love at first sight. But the feeling started fading soon, when I started experiencing some “odd” or “senseless” behaviors from him. I had his phone number deleted from my phone twice. And when I stopped all communicating, he stopped too. But after a long silence, I realized although his AS had made me angry, I am now willing to give each other a 2nd chance. I’ve been reading tons of AS articles in an effort to understand and accept things about him.

      Keep your hope up. One day you will also find someone who is willing to learn to accept and to love you, just the way you are.

    2. Hello mike Im in almost the same boat as you my friend thing is that I want a girlfriend and sometimes I don’t I feel bad of been alone as well i have a younger brother but I guess is just a matter of time before he is gone too I feel your pain my friend thing is that I had never date it and I have asperger i kind of think we should not give up but the situation say otherwise hang in there man take care of yourself

  17. Hi. This is difficult.

    Im 41 and still have never had a relationship with anyone. I miss understand cues and dont do small talk. I get bored with people very quickly. Ive see the attraction in men and women. Though i dont consider myself as bi or use any limiting idenity. Ive done NLP mastery yet im still at a miss. Im missing out on life and yet i dont get it. And counselling doesnt work either. I guess maybe some folks who want to change are still unable as they’ll never get congruent. Imho.

  18. I am a 19 year old senior in high school with aspergers I have a hard time making friends and even more difficulty attempting to enter into romantic relationships I see others around me with their girlfriends and want that so bad but I have trouble recognizing hints whether it be I like you or get away from me I value kindness but I would be lying if I said I hadn’t considered changing that to help with the nice guys finish last effect I am also scared that because I have alone so long I would convince myself that I like someone I don’t because they show an interest in me if anyone has any advice please help!!!!!

    1. First of all, you’re not alone! I just turned 21, so I’m only 1-2 years older than you. I know exactly how it feels. Let me try to share some of what I learned and see if it helps 🙂

      Being a nice guy is an amazing asset. Focus on being kind for the sake of it until it becomes second nature. Girls like guys who can listen to them and they like men who respect them. Love is a two way street. To get love, you have to give love, so give and give some more! Once niceness becomes second nature, friends will come and eventually, so will a girlfriend.

      Now, when the time comes, ask someone out. Remember to be bold! No girl is too pretty for you. You can go for whoever you want. Also, handle acceptance and rejection carefully. Don’t act two excited or upset. Just ask, wait for an answer and walk away. Simple as that! 🙂

      When it comes to dating, LISTEN TO HER. Girls love that. My last girlfriend had tons of admirers, but she chose me because I was a good listener.

      Good luck man 🙂

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