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  • Danny Raede 41

About this blog

Learn best practices, next steps & deeper insight from people who've walked in your shoes and experienced it first hand.

Articles in this blog

Black Swans & Confirmation Bias

Black Swans & Confirmation Bias

Sabrina felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. She glanced up towards the front of the classroom where professor Horvath was lecturing. He wasn't looking in her direction. Sabrina carefully pulled out her phone and held it underneath the desk as she read her latest text from her friend Kaitlin. "Hey, I just ran into your boyfriend at the mall." What? That didn't make sense. Her boyfriend, Ronnie, was supposed to be at work right now and his office wasn't even on the same side of town as the mall,

Danny Raede

Danny Raede

The Stories I Told Myself Stole My Power

The Stories I Told Myself Stole My Power

When I was twelve, I started playing a video game called Neverwinter Nights, which rapidly became one of my favorite games of all time. It's essentially an online Dungeons and Dragons role-playing game. One day in-game I was in a tavern in the seedy little part of town and somebody beat me up in-game. When that happens, there's a sound effect when somebody clicks on your little bag to look into it. I heard that sound effect and got really pissed off that somebody had taken all of my stuff. 

Danny Raede

Danny Raede

The After School Schedule That Helped Me De-Stress

The After School Schedule That Helped Me De-Stress

Starting in middle school, about when I was diagnosed with Asperger's, I started to get really stressed out once I got home from school. It became a problem for my parents to get me to do homework while at the same time honoring my need to unwind and have that decompression time. What they ended up doing (and what has worked really well ever since) was following this after-school/work schedule that we created through trial and error. Here it is:    The biggest thing that makes this schedule

Danny Raede

Danny Raede

How I Finally Found Relief From My Cataclysmic Panic Attacks

How I Finally Found Relief From My Cataclysmic Panic Attacks

This is the story of how I had cataclysmic level panic attacks and my realization of how to stop them. When I say cataclysmic level, I mean I was curled up in a fetal ball on the floor screaming "I don't want to die" while meanwhile it was a bright, sunny day with zero threat. Another time, I was on an airplane and absolutely convinced that, for whatever reason, I was going to fall through the airplane to my death. It was such an absurd notion that I could even logically see that the laws of phy

Danny Raede

Danny Raede

He Only Cares About Being On His Computer And Almost Never Leaves His Room. Help!

He Only Cares About Being On His Computer And Almost Never Leaves His Room. Help!

"Dear Asperger Experts, We are struggling and could really use some advice. We have been trying for months to talk to my son with Asperger’s (age 17) about some of his ongoing issues, and these conversations continually hit a brick wall. He has NO interest in learning basic social skills, getting a job, doing his homework, practicing basic hygiene, eating healthier… the list goes on. In fact, it seems he only cares about playing video games. He almost never leaves his room! When he does com

Danny Raede

Danny Raede

School Accommodations & The Alphabet Soup of Assistance

School Accommodations & The Alphabet Soup of Assistance

They Locked Him In A Closet. My name is Emily. I'm a mom, and an Aspie. I have two Aspie sons. One is 20. One is 19. I am a retired lawyer who had to hire a lawyer to sue my school district because of what happened with my son. Right off the bat I want to say that I would never have done that by myself. I think you need to have a professional. If you're living in a school district that doesn't want to work with you, if you find yourself at a meeting and you're confused, bring in a professio

Danny Raede

Danny Raede

Having Accountability Conversations: The XYZ Method

Having Accountability Conversations: The XYZ Method

Allow me to provide you with a simple but powerful script that you can use as a template for having uncomfortable conversations when you need to hold boundaries... without walking on eggshells. It's called the X, Y, Z method and it has three parts: When you did X in Y situation, I felt Z. That might sound something like this; "When you came home an hour after curfew last night, I felt worried." Or to give another example; "When you left your coat on the living room floor after school y

Danny Raede

Danny Raede

The Biological Basis For Defense Mode (Understanding The Vagus Nerve)

The Biological Basis For Defense Mode (Understanding The Vagus Nerve)

Do you feel that? Right there in your chest. . . Listen. . . That’s your heart. That’s what’s keeping you alive right now. If you’re like most people, your heart will have beat roughly 4,800 times in the last hour (80 times per minute). However, what you may not realize is that not all of those beats were exactly the same. Most people’s heartbeat tends to be pretty steady but not perfectly so. Some beats happen a little faster and therefore closer together. Others are just a little slo

Danny Raede

Danny Raede

Put On Your Own Oxygen Mask First

Put On Your Own Oxygen Mask First

Running A Marathon... And Almost Dying According to legend, the first marathon was run by an ancient Greek soldier named Pheidippides. The year was 490 BC and the Persian army had moved into Greece coming to conquer. Fearing for their lives and their homeland, the city of Athens sent an army to meet the Persians outside the city of Marathon. Despite being heavily outnumbered, the Athenians were victorious. Following the battle Pheidippides ran the distance from the city of Marathon all the

Danny Raede

Danny Raede

The Most Effective Way To Motivate Someone With Asperger's

The Most Effective Way To Motivate Someone With Asperger's

The Issue Isn't That They Are Unmotivated (Here's Why) In my experience, most people that manage to roll themselves out of bed in the morning and engage in some activity besides staring at a wall all day are motivated people. How do I know that? Because they’re moving with a purpose.  Psychology has a much broader definition for motivation than most of us. Someone might think of the motivation behind a morning jog as the desire to be happier and get in shape. However, a psychologist wo

Danny Raede

Danny Raede

Dealing with disrupted routines

Dealing with disrupted routines

All of our routines are being disrupted in some way right now. Even if you live in the basement and just play video games all day, we're all being affected. So how do you build a new routine and create some certainty in your life when every day is different? Here's some ideas: First, recognize that above all else, establishing a routine is more about having a sense of certainty than it is keeping an exact schedule. It's about knowing what to expect, and having a sense of familiarity wi

Danny Raede

Danny Raede

Demonstrations VS Declarations: How To Know If You Are An Effective Parent

Demonstrations VS Declarations: How To Know If You Are An Effective Parent

I was in Los Angeles last weekend, walking around DTLA and people watching and observed something I had seen thousands of times over the years: Parents telling their kids what to do. Not in the sense of "Throw away your trash" or "Come here", but things like "You need to trust me" and "Calm down". It occurred to me that the most effective parents, the ones that have a deep relationship with their child, and the ones that ultimately raise physically & emotionally healthy children that go

Danny Raede

Danny Raede

 

Force Doesn't Work Here!

I sometimes feel like dealing with people with Asperger's is like playing Dungeons & Dragons as a Gnome Wizard and then stumbling into a non-magic zone.  "Haha! Your tricks won't work here!"  The "normal" tactics that we reach for as a society tend not to work well with folks on the spectrum. In other words: people with Asperger's tend to not respond well to force. I was on a train last night coming back from Los Angeles and the guy behind me was talking about his experiences

Danny Raede

Danny Raede

Give, Not Get

Give, Not Get

This is a paradigm shift that changed my life, so I'd like to share it with you: When we want to change something about a person, place or thing, it is very common in our society to ask "How can I get X to...?" "How can I get my daughter to do her homework?" "How can I get my husband to finally pick up his socks?" "How can I get my computer to stop freezing on me?" Yet when we ask "How can I get?" there are some hidden assumptions there that can be very dangerous and damaging

Danny Raede

Danny Raede

How to motivate by adding direction

How to motivate by adding direction

There’s a famous scene in Alice in Wonderland where Alice encounters the Cheshire Cat in a tree and asks him for directions. The interchange went something like this: Alice: “I just wanted to ask you about which way I should go.” Cat: “Well, that depends on where you want to get to.” Alice: “Oh, it really doesn’t matter so long as I get somewhere.” Cat: “Then it really doesn’t matter which way you go...” See, your child doesn’t just need to have enough internal and exter

Danny Raede

Danny Raede

On bed time arguments & assuming you are right

On bed time arguments & assuming you are right

Once upon a time I was coaching a mother and her daughter who was diagnosed with Asperger’s (we’ll call her Sarah). In one particular session, they were having some disagreement about what constituted an appropriate bedtime for a ten year-old. Sarah insisted that she wanted to stay up reading an additional thirty minutes and that she could still wake up on time. Mom was principally opposed to the idea. She said that she frequently had to nag Sarah all the way out of bed and through her morn

Danny Raede

Danny Raede

Is it a motivation issue, or a capability issue?

Is it a motivation issue, or a capability issue?

Folks, here’s the meat and potatoes: When you’re trying to change or encourage a particular behavior, “capability” is the first and most important place to start. Many people believe that if someone doesn’t appear to be motivated, it’s because they don’t want it. People hardly ever look deeper to find that someone actually does want something, they just don’t have the capacity and capability. As a coach, I see this every day when talking to parents. They tell me they’ve been trying for years to

Danny Raede

Danny Raede

Belief, enabling & an electric wheelchair

Belief, enabling & an electric wheelchair

I was once working with a mother who had a twenty-something year-old son living in her basement. She complained to me that he never did anything except play video games. I asked her to describe what approaches she had tried so far, and what a typical day looked like. What she said next genuinely surprised me. It turned out that her son had no regard for cleanliness and self-care. So, bless her heart, mom would go down to the basement every day to clean and organize his room. She also said h

Danny Raede

Danny Raede

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